Human Again
by Darling Pretty
Summary: After the divorce, Addison is left pretty much emotionless. What's it going to take to bring back the Addison everyone knows and loves, and/or hates? And who's up to the challenge? Addex. Oneshot.


**that's right, another oneshot. but i was bored, since i'm home sick and instead of doing homework this is what i did instead. so anyways, i hope you like it. i was inspired by the song "Human Again" from _Beauty and the Beast_. even though it's sung by a bunch of household appliances... okay, so i was inspired by the title.**

**disclaimer: i still don't own it (but my easter's coming up... -cough,cough-)**

There's a joke going around the hospital that Dr. Montgomery isn't human. She rarely leaves the hospital, rarely sleeps, rarely eats, rarely does anything except surgery. People are starting to suspect her and Cristina Yang of being descended from the same race of robots. The joke started two days after the divorce, when she had come back to work after taking two days off (one for drinking, the next for recovering) looking just as perfect as ever. She had a smile for everyone except Derek and Meredith, she had even talked to Mark. And since no one except Meredith has found out about her little crying jag in the supply closet, she has seemed incapable of emotion since then.

Addison knows about this joke, and there are times when even she's not sure she's human. Ever since the divorce she's focused solely on her career. She's avoided Mark, Derek, Meredith, Cristina, and just about everyone connected to Meredith. Several people have tried to talk to her about it, the Chief included, but she's become a master at changing the subject. She's not going to face it, not yet. Possibly not ever, but that's okay, she doesn't need to feel emotion, she can just exist to do surgeries, eat, and sleep. She's got Mark to keep her satisfied in the sex department, and he's probably happy about this change because now she no longer feels guilty. She just keeps the fact that she doesn't feel anything anymore to herself.

Only four people notice this change in her and actually worry about it, but only three approach her. Richard tries in his clumsy, fatherly way to discuss it, but she uses her subject-changing skills to get out of that. Miranda tries to see what's going on, but Addison always makes up some excuse to run away. Callie is the only one Addison's said anything to, and that was only because Callie took her to a bar across the city (Addison no longer visits Joe's, too many people she knows) and got her very, very drunk. Now they don't talk about it, because Callie understands at least a little bit. The fourth person is the most worried but does nothing, just acts normal. Alex knows that she would never reveal anything to him, and so he just acts as normal as possible, hoping that maybe the hint of normal will help her heal. But even he can't help treating her a little differently. He no longer complains about her specialty, he is helpful as possible, and every once in awhile he'll bring her coffee even though she doesn't ask. She doesn't ask for anything and that's what's so heartbreaking.

One day he's assigned to her service, as usual, but something's different. She seems… sad is the wrong word for it, but she seems down. But even though she seems down, Alex secretly rejoices. Not because he wants to see her sad, he wants anything besides that, but because sad is an emotion, and it's the first one, besides annoyance, that he's seen her display in months. "Are you okay?" he asks as he catches up to her.

She looks at him, and then back forward. "Yeah, I'm-" she cuts off as they come across Derek and Meredith furiously making out in a deserted corridor. She gives a small, strangled cry, but makes no move to leave. Alex glances between her and the couple, debating whether to embarrass Meredith and break them up, or just get Addison away from there as quickly as possible. He decides on the latter, gently grabs Addison's elbow, turns her around and guides her into a nearby supply closet. She doesn't struggle.

"So I'm kind of doubting you're fine right about now," he announces, looking at her.

She shakes her head to clear it, then looks at him. "I'm fine."

"No. You're not."

"Yes. I am."

"Addison," he snaps. "You're not." She seems to deflate. Alex can almost hear the air escaping from her. "It's okay to be not fine," he tells her.

"I- I don't know how to be anything but fine," she admits. "Because if I'm not fine, then I have to admit that I feel something, and I just really, really can't deal with that something right now."

"No one said you had to deal with everything and move on," he points out. "But keeping all of that inside, it's just not good." She's silent. "Go ahead, cry, scream, I don't care. I'll leave if you want me to."

"No!" she exclaims suddenly. Then she continues in a more normal voice, "No. Please. Don't. I just… I don't want to be alone."

"Then I'm not going anywhere."

"Thank you," she whispers.

"But you're not fine, so talk."

"I don't know what to say."

He shrugs. "Whatever you want."

"I… I just don't want Derek to know I'm not fine. And then Mark. I can't go anywhere near Mark, because I don't want him to know I'm not fine either. Because he'd take advantage of it even more than he does already. And I know that I can't keep sleeping with him because I just hate myself even more." Alex frowns when she mentions Mark, but he doesn't say anything, hoping that she'll keep going. "And I can't let the hospital know I'm not fine because they're already calling me an adulterous whore, and I just can't deal with what they'd say behind my back," she continues, a tear escaping from her eye. "And you weren't supposed to notice I'm not fine."

"But I did. It's kind of hard to work with you and not notice it. You're pretty noticeable and the one thing I will never get is how Shepherd stopped noticing you."

"I'm pretty forgettable once you get past the hair," she says with a bitter smile.

"Stop it," he orders her. "You're not forgettable." She shakes her head. "_You're not_," he says. "You're the least forgettable person I know. Stop selling yourself short."

Her eyes threaten to overflow when he says that. "Thank you," she says.

He smiles. "You're welcome." After a moment of silence he asks, "So what's it gonna take to get a real smile out of you? Can I expect one anytime soon? Because you're even more beautiful when you smile, and I kind of miss it."

The corners of her mouth twitch. "You can take me out tonight," she suggests.

"Not tonight," he says. "Ask me again in a week if you still want me to."

"Why?"

"If I was Sloan, I would take you out tonight, get you drunk, and sleep with you. But I'm not, and I don't want to pressure you into anything, including a date with me. So ask me again next week when you're thinking straight and haven't been crying and vulnerable. Then I'll agree."

She grants him a small smile. "You know, I think that was the exact answer I was looking for. Thank you," she says and takes a tentative step towards him. She kisses him on the cheek and starts crying.

"What? What's wrong?" he asks worriedly.

"I'm just so tired of everything," she sobs. "Of being strong, of Derek, of Mark, of everything and you're the first person who's- who's done anything about it." He doesn't say anything, just pulls her into a hug and lets her wet his shirt with tears.

After a few minutes, when her sobs have subsided, she pulls away and wipes her eyes. "God, what is wrong with me?" she asks.

"You know, it's this interesting condition," Alex replies, "called being human. I know it seems strange after being a robot for so long, but don't worry, you'll get used to it."

She allows herself to laugh and realizes that this is the first time in months that she feels human again.

0ooo0

In the following week she never forgets Alex's answer to her question. It's constantly on her mind. She realizes that she's not over Derek yet, but she also realizes that she feels fully alive when Alex is around. So the next week she approaches him. "So I've been thinking, and, that is if you wanted to, that I would really like for you to go out for drinks with me tonight."

"I'll one up you," he replies, "I'll take you to dinner."

"I'm not over Derek," she mentions.

"That's okay," he says, "I'm good with being the rebound."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"So, tonight then."

"Around eight?"

"Perfect."

0ooo0

There is no sex, no kiss, but Addison considers their dinner a success. She finds that Alex is actually pretty funny when he tries to be, and it's the first time she's laughed in God knows how long. They go out to dinner again and again, until what they're doing has to be defined as dating, even though they don't sleep together. A few months later, Addison realizes that step by step she's been moving on. So that night when Alex picks her up for dinner, she opens the door and kisses him hard.

"What are you doing?" he asks, surprised.

"You're more than a rebound," she replies and kisses him again. "And I'm not just saying that."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," she answers with a smile and kisses him again.

"Dinner?"

"Screw dinner," she breathes and drags him inside, letting the door fall closed behind them. Later that night, when they're ordering room service, she looks at him and suddenly understands two things. One is that she's re-achieved humanity thanks to him. The second thing is that even if they were to break up tomorrow, she could keep being human without him. She wouldn't like it, but she could. Because of him, she's finally independent. Thank God.

**i'm not sure whether i like it or not, but you can tell me if you do! :D**

**-Juli-**


End file.
